Friday, June 26, 2009

Slim pickins

How was the date last night?

Zafer- Please, God- let his name rhyme with 'wafer' or sound like you are french and talking about a fur coat. I'm so glad he's not a 'risk averse person'. I hate people who are risk averse. Almost as much as I hate people who say things like 'risk averse.' By the way, is that a lip stud or a mole?

William- Holy crap! They found Jeremiah Johnson living in Alaska!!!! Evidently, he hiked so long on the trails of America, that he forgot that you don't spell Appalachian "Appalacian". Here's my favorite part: when you first meet William, you'll notice "I tend to think a lot." This goes great with his previous statement of liking to date people smarter than he is. But the cherry on the cake is this:
William typically spends his leisure time:
I have really developed a passion for hiking in remote areas. I also like to practice playing the banjo, to read books, and to eat a good meal with good friends.
I hear the "Dueling Banjos" soundtrack music to Deliverance playing in the background... Watch your ass around this guy. Literally.

Dale- His son is as chubby as he is and wearing a hunting shirt. That says more than enough about Dale. Also, he's "Quite and reserved." Quite what? STUPID?!?

John's one of those annoying no photo/no info people. BO-RING.

I almost closed Kirk for you, with the "Based on statements in this profile, I think this guy's a total dickhead wrapped in a shit-scented douchebag" remark, or whatever is the closest to that, but then I thought you might like the honor yourself.

Thomas' daughter is cute, but it looks as if his face is slowly migrating to the right. Maybe he's like one of those cuttlefish things where the eyes move around to one side of their head over time. Anyway, I don't think you can follow up that what you look for in a person is that you find them physically fit and attractive with, "I am really nice!" as the first thing you'll notice about him.

Orlando's profile picture looks like he's making a "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" face. Besides that, on paper, he seems like your average nice guy.

Bummer that Matt closed you for "Other" reasons- I bet that dimple on his chin could have come in handy for holding your loose change or cell phone or something.

Ok, I think that I'm pretty much caught up? There's a few that we talked about on the phone already, like Mr. I-Might-Stalk-And-Kill-You picture guy. Oh, you did close Mike "I look like I just farted in all my pictures." Such a shame- he looks like such a keeper...


What's wrong with you?

So, I have been out with 5 guys in two weeks and I'm noticing some common themes.

One, "fixer upper" has taken on new meaning to me. Seriously, are there any single guys left with any casual fashion sense? Most of these guys would get fashion fistbumps from the Revenge of the Nerds.

Two, I am a lot more shallow than I thought. Every single guy I have been out with has a great personality, good conversation, nice and charming and smart. My brain tells me I should get to know these guys better, but my internal chemistry litmus test says no-no-no-no-no-no. Mostly, they feel too old. It's like going out with my uncle.

Three, while I am sitting there thinking all of these guys have a LOT of baggage (all but one have been divorced, two had kids, one had a 17-year marriage and three grown kids in college), these guys clearly think something is wrong with me for not ever having been married. My date last night actually asked me what was wrong with me. He seemed particularly concerned about my dating history and wanted me to tell him exactly how long my longest relationship was and why I didn't marry anyone. I wanted to ask him if it would be better if I had been married a few times. The truth is, I couldn't care less if I ever get married. I'm in it for the relationship, not the white dress and the marriage certificate. Perhaps that is commitment-phobia, but to me it just seems like a priority system.


Sunday, June 21, 2009

Meat-heads & cheap dates

I axed Zane. He looked like a meat-head to me and he lives 150 miles away. Although you're right about his being attractive. Yes, I think Kevin's cute too. I sent him questions. I axed all the guys that live more than 150 miles away and upped my preference level to a '7' in importance, so hopefully they'll stop matching me with guys you've got to take a plane to get to. They must be scraping the bottom of the barrel for me. How do they think that makes me feel? (sniffling, here)

Chris sent me a "Fast Track" because he's letting his eHarmony account expire. I'm thinking he is on to something there. How about I Fast-Track everyone on eHarmony and give them an email address I create just for that purpose ( He seems nice and smart though, so I will probably send him an email. I'm a cheap date.

I'm now rethinking my previous preference change. If I do this, I will not get to see all these hilarious guys that live 150 miles away from me. Apparently, my town is in a slightly less funny zip code.


No matches on Saturday?

I noticed that you closed some matches before the puppet master could view them, but you know I have to comment on some of them anyway. ;-)

Yanni- You'd think that with Yanni's "Intellect to further (his)self", he would be able to write about the "Opportunities (he) have has in life" without screwing it up. I especially liked his profile picture with the dish brush. Is it just me, or does the girl standing next to him staring at the dish brush look a little worried? That can't be a good sign.

Ken- You know that weird teeth-showing thing little kids do when you tell them to smile for a picture? Looks like Ken never grew out of that.

Vyadya Dadya- If that is indeed his real name, has either put this profile page together as a joke, or is one of the saddest people I have ever seen. First of all, it looks like he's already found his perfect match in Al Gore. The guy mentions Gore four or five times. Secondly, whether you're joking or not, if you're going to keep referring to saving "indangered species", learn how to spell it properly! We don't want people saving the wrong animals, now do we?

Adam- Looks like a deranged wood sprite in his profile photo

Chris - Looks like a serial killer who just crashed an Indian Shriner's Convention at the Elk Lodge in his profile pic. That's not a good look for anybody.

Zane- I don't know when that pic was taken with his kids, but he looks like a catalog model (and in a good way). Even his two sons look like they are working on their own versions of the sexy sneer. Now, admittedly, his forearm does look a bit Robin-Williams-fur-style, but the washboard abs make up for it. He sounds very intelligent and well-written in his bio, also. There must be something dreadfully wrong with him. Maybe the 'I'm a trendy zombie vampire' Halloween pic is a hint that he's incredibly vain. In any case, he's not so fabulous that I would drive 150 miles to see him.

It's such a shame that Kristian closed you. His wonderful, center-hair-poof do is too amazing for words. Plus, he's passionate about "Learning skills to use in the furtherance of myself and those who I love." I'm sure that all that furtherance would have come in handy. He's thankful for his "Abilities and skills". Hmmm...I wonder what kind of skills. Nunchuk skills? Bow hunting skills? Napoleon-Dynamite-impersonating skills?

Glamour Shots Ramiro closed you, too. His seventies porn-'stache must have been intimidated by your awesomeness.

Kevin is a total cutie and is one of the few men I've come across on here who actually picked the RIGHT picture for their profile pic. That earns him brownie points right there. Let's hope that the fact that he drinks "Several times a week" corresponds to his affinity for cooking, and not that he's some sort of toilet-hugging, binge-drinking alcoholic. He could have been a little more detailed in his profile, but he seems intelligent and he can write a sentence without looking like an ignorant dumbass. Definitely worth pursuing!

Shame on eHarmony for not finding any new matches today. Does the program take Saturdays off or something? I am, however, very proud that you have been keeping your matches list so much shorter. I don't know if you're finally feeling the thirst of the guillotine or you're just getting past the guilt you were feeling about sending "Closed" messages to TOTAL STRANGERS that you will probably never encounter in your LIFE, but either way, it's a good thing. By the way, I think Dan sounds great in his messages. I think you should definitely go out with him some time (avoiding hotel rooms, of course) and see what he's like in person. You'd better start feeling better soon so you can meet some more of these dudes. I need some more stories!


Saturday, June 20, 2009

I could be dating Yanni

Did you see that Yanni was matched with me today? Of course, it says that he is an investment bank and not a singer of sappy songs for ankle-biters, but hey, it could be him right? Except he has no hair. He seems like the real Yanni in his profile though -- everything except the part where he says he is a part-time law student student. Is he twice the student the other kids are? He's definitely twice as old as anyone I saw in law school.

Did you also see that Denny sent me questions? These are his questions & my answers:

What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A) there is no such thing
B) each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not
C) a person has several soul mates in a lifetime
D) through work, any person you truly love can become your soul mate
E) Wow. I really don't have a position on this. I don't like answers A, B, or C. I'm leaning toward D, but would change "any" to "a."

2. How important is it to you that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?
A) very important, I couldn't date someone without their approval
B) important, I trust my family & friends but sometimes they are wrong
C) slightly important, if they had a strong objection I might consider it
D) not important at all, their opinions would not influence me

3. How romantic are you?
A) I love lots of romance, it is a necessity for me to feel loved
B) I am romantic, but do not require it
C) I am occasionally romantic
D) I don't consider myself a romantic person
E) A, but it depends on one's definition of romance.

4. How do you feel about food?
A) I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible.
B) I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little.
C) I like to eat and occasionally enjoy large meals.
D) I eat three regular meals a day without much additional thought.
E) GourMAND. What a word. I love to eat adventurously but hardly ever send anything back to the kitchen. (i.e., not fussy)

5. How often do you exercise?
A) Never
B) Once a week
C) Two or three times a week
D) Every Day
E) Between C and D. It depends on my schedule.

His questions weird me out for some reason. It's the combination. Any one of these alone would be okay, but the food question + the exercise question seems to say "I am only into macrobiotics and brown & green foods and you'd better have less than 10% body fat, or I'm not interested." He also came across as a super sappy guy, which is weird given the food and exercise question combo.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Confucious say...

I've been thinking more about the story of over-eager beaver Brent, and here is the moral of that story: When you are too much of an over-eager beaver, you wind up with your wood in your paws and no dam place to put it.



Wow. She broke one date so now he's hosed on both ends? Jeez. Why would he even send that to you? A pathetic attempt to see if you'll still get together with him? I think his idea of removing himself from eharmony would do a lot of girls a favor. :)