How was the date last night?
Zafer- Please, God- let his name rhyme with 'wafer' or sound like you are french and talking about a fur coat. I'm so glad he's not a 'risk averse person'. I hate people who are risk averse. Almost as much as I hate people who say things like 'risk averse.' By the way, is that a lip stud or a mole?
William- Holy crap! They found Jeremiah Johnson living in Alaska!!!! Evidently, he hiked so long on the trails of America, that he forgot that you don't spell Appalachian "Appalacian". Here's my favorite part: when you first meet William, you'll notice "I tend to think a lot." This goes great with his previous statement of liking to date people smarter than he is. But the cherry on the cake is this:
William typically spends his leisure time:
I have really developed a passion for hiking in remote areas. I also like to practice playing the banjo, to read books, and to eat a good meal with good friends.
I hear the "Dueling Banjos" soundtrack music to Deliverance playing in the background... Watch your ass around this guy. Literally.
Dale- His son is as chubby as he is and wearing a hunting shirt. That says more than enough about Dale. Also, he's "Quite and reserved." Quite what? STUPID?!?
John's one of those annoying no photo/no info people. BO-RING.
I almost closed Kirk for you, with the "Based on statements in this profile, I think this guy's a total dickhead wrapped in a shit-scented douchebag" remark, or whatever is the closest to that, but then I thought you might like the honor yourself.
Thomas' daughter is cute, but it looks as if his face is slowly migrating to the right. Maybe he's like one of those cuttlefish things where the eyes move around to one side of their head over time. Anyway, I don't think you can follow up that what you look for in a person is that you find them physically fit and attractive with, "I am really nice!" as the first thing you'll notice about him.
Orlando's profile picture looks like he's making a "Whatchu talkin' about, Willis?" face. Besides that, on paper, he seems like your average nice guy.
Bummer that Matt closed you for "Other" reasons- I bet that dimple on his chin could have come in handy for holding your loose change or cell phone or something.
Ok, I think that I'm pretty much caught up? There's a few that we talked about on the phone already, like Mr. I-Might-Stalk-And-Kill-You picture guy. Oh, you did close Mike "I look like I just farted in all my pictures." Such a shame- he looks like such a keeper...
Emma
Friday, June 26, 2009
What's wrong with you?
So, I have been out with 5 guys in two weeks and I'm noticing some common themes.
One, "fixer upper" has taken on new meaning to me. Seriously, are there any single guys left with any casual fashion sense? Most of these guys would get fashion fistbumps from the Revenge of the Nerds.
Two, I am a lot more shallow than I thought. Every single guy I have been out with has a great personality, good conversation, nice and charming and smart. My brain tells me I should get to know these guys better, but my internal chemistry litmus test says no-no-no-no-no-no. Mostly, they feel too old. It's like going out with my uncle.
Three, while I am sitting there thinking all of these guys have a LOT of baggage (all but one have been divorced, two had kids, one had a 17-year marriage and three grown kids in college), these guys clearly think something is wrong with me for not ever having been married. My date last night actually asked me what was wrong with me. He seemed particularly concerned about my dating history and wanted me to tell him exactly how long my longest relationship was and why I didn't marry anyone. I wanted to ask him if it would be better if I had been married a few times. The truth is, I couldn't care less if I ever get married. I'm in it for the relationship, not the white dress and the marriage certificate. Perhaps that is commitment-phobia, but to me it just seems like a priority system.
Harriet
One, "fixer upper" has taken on new meaning to me. Seriously, are there any single guys left with any casual fashion sense? Most of these guys would get fashion fistbumps from the Revenge of the Nerds.
Two, I am a lot more shallow than I thought. Every single guy I have been out with has a great personality, good conversation, nice and charming and smart. My brain tells me I should get to know these guys better, but my internal chemistry litmus test says no-no-no-no-no-no. Mostly, they feel too old. It's like going out with my uncle.
Three, while I am sitting there thinking all of these guys have a LOT of baggage (all but one have been divorced, two had kids, one had a 17-year marriage and three grown kids in college), these guys clearly think something is wrong with me for not ever having been married. My date last night actually asked me what was wrong with me. He seemed particularly concerned about my dating history and wanted me to tell him exactly how long my longest relationship was and why I didn't marry anyone. I wanted to ask him if it would be better if I had been married a few times. The truth is, I couldn't care less if I ever get married. I'm in it for the relationship, not the white dress and the marriage certificate. Perhaps that is commitment-phobia, but to me it just seems like a priority system.
Harriet
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Meat-heads & cheap dates
I axed Zane. He looked like a meat-head to me and he lives 150 miles away. Although you're right about his being attractive. Yes, I think Kevin's cute too. I sent him questions. I axed all the guys that live more than 150 miles away and upped my preference level to a '7' in importance, so hopefully they'll stop matching me with guys you've got to take a plane to get to. They must be scraping the bottom of the barrel for me. How do they think that makes me feel? (sniffling, here)
Chris sent me a "Fast Track" because he's letting his eHarmony account expire. I'm thinking he is on to something there. How about I Fast-Track everyone on eHarmony and give them an email address I create just for that purpose (eHarmonycheapskate@gmail.com). He seems nice and smart though, so I will probably send him an email. I'm a cheap date.
I'm now rethinking my previous preference change. If I do this, I will not get to see all these hilarious guys that live 150 miles away from me. Apparently, my town is in a slightly less funny zip code.
Harriet
Chris sent me a "Fast Track" because he's letting his eHarmony account expire. I'm thinking he is on to something there. How about I Fast-Track everyone on eHarmony and give them an email address I create just for that purpose (eHarmonycheapskate@gmail.com). He seems nice and smart though, so I will probably send him an email. I'm a cheap date.
I'm now rethinking my previous preference change. If I do this, I will not get to see all these hilarious guys that live 150 miles away from me. Apparently, my town is in a slightly less funny zip code.
Harriet
No matches on Saturday?
I noticed that you closed some matches before the puppet master could view them, but you know I have to comment on some of them anyway. ;-)
Yanni- You'd think that with Yanni's "Intellect to further (his)self", he would be able to write about the "Opportunities (he) have has in life" without screwing it up. I especially liked his profile picture with the dish brush. Is it just me, or does the girl standing next to him staring at the dish brush look a little worried? That can't be a good sign.
Ken- You know that weird teeth-showing thing little kids do when you tell them to smile for a picture? Looks like Ken never grew out of that.
Vyadya Dadya- If that is indeed his real name, has either put this profile page together as a joke, or is one of the saddest people I have ever seen. First of all, it looks like he's already found his perfect match in Al Gore. The guy mentions Gore four or five times. Secondly, whether you're joking or not, if you're going to keep referring to saving "indangered species", learn how to spell it properly! We don't want people saving the wrong animals, now do we?
Adam- Looks like a deranged wood sprite in his profile photo
Chris - Looks like a serial killer who just crashed an Indian Shriner's Convention at the Elk Lodge in his profile pic. That's not a good look for anybody.
Zane- I don't know when that pic was taken with his kids, but he looks like a catalog model (and in a good way). Even his two sons look like they are working on their own versions of the sexy sneer. Now, admittedly, his forearm does look a bit Robin-Williams-fur-style, but the washboard abs make up for it. He sounds very intelligent and well-written in his bio, also. There must be something dreadfully wrong with him. Maybe the 'I'm a trendy zombie vampire' Halloween pic is a hint that he's incredibly vain. In any case, he's not so fabulous that I would drive 150 miles to see him.
It's such a shame that Kristian closed you. His wonderful, center-hair-poof do is too amazing for words. Plus, he's passionate about "Learning skills to use in the furtherance of myself and those who I love." I'm sure that all that furtherance would have come in handy. He's thankful for his "Abilities and skills". Hmmm...I wonder what kind of skills. Nunchuk skills? Bow hunting skills? Napoleon-Dynamite-impersonating skills?
Glamour Shots Ramiro closed you, too. His seventies porn-'stache must have been intimidated by your awesomeness.
Kevin is a total cutie and is one of the few men I've come across on here who actually picked the RIGHT picture for their profile pic. That earns him brownie points right there. Let's hope that the fact that he drinks "Several times a week" corresponds to his affinity for cooking, and not that he's some sort of toilet-hugging, binge-drinking alcoholic. He could have been a little more detailed in his profile, but he seems intelligent and he can write a sentence without looking like an ignorant dumbass. Definitely worth pursuing!
Shame on eHarmony for not finding any new matches today. Does the program take Saturdays off or something? I am, however, very proud that you have been keeping your matches list so much shorter. I don't know if you're finally feeling the thirst of the guillotine or you're just getting past the guilt you were feeling about sending "Closed" messages to TOTAL STRANGERS that you will probably never encounter in your LIFE, but either way, it's a good thing. By the way, I think Dan sounds great in his messages. I think you should definitely go out with him some time (avoiding hotel rooms, of course) and see what he's like in person. You'd better start feeling better soon so you can meet some more of these dudes. I need some more stories!
Emma
Yanni- You'd think that with Yanni's "Intellect to further (his)self", he would be able to write about the "Opportunities (he) have has in life" without screwing it up. I especially liked his profile picture with the dish brush. Is it just me, or does the girl standing next to him staring at the dish brush look a little worried? That can't be a good sign.
Ken- You know that weird teeth-showing thing little kids do when you tell them to smile for a picture? Looks like Ken never grew out of that.
Vyadya Dadya- If that is indeed his real name, has either put this profile page together as a joke, or is one of the saddest people I have ever seen. First of all, it looks like he's already found his perfect match in Al Gore. The guy mentions Gore four or five times. Secondly, whether you're joking or not, if you're going to keep referring to saving "indangered species", learn how to spell it properly! We don't want people saving the wrong animals, now do we?
Adam- Looks like a deranged wood sprite in his profile photo
Chris - Looks like a serial killer who just crashed an Indian Shriner's Convention at the Elk Lodge in his profile pic. That's not a good look for anybody.
Zane- I don't know when that pic was taken with his kids, but he looks like a catalog model (and in a good way). Even his two sons look like they are working on their own versions of the sexy sneer. Now, admittedly, his forearm does look a bit Robin-Williams-fur-style, but the washboard abs make up for it. He sounds very intelligent and well-written in his bio, also. There must be something dreadfully wrong with him. Maybe the 'I'm a trendy zombie vampire' Halloween pic is a hint that he's incredibly vain. In any case, he's not so fabulous that I would drive 150 miles to see him.
It's such a shame that Kristian closed you. His wonderful, center-hair-poof do is too amazing for words. Plus, he's passionate about "Learning skills to use in the furtherance of myself and those who I love." I'm sure that all that furtherance would have come in handy. He's thankful for his "Abilities and skills". Hmmm...I wonder what kind of skills. Nunchuk skills? Bow hunting skills? Napoleon-Dynamite-impersonating skills?
Glamour Shots Ramiro closed you, too. His seventies porn-'stache must have been intimidated by your awesomeness.
Kevin is a total cutie and is one of the few men I've come across on here who actually picked the RIGHT picture for their profile pic. That earns him brownie points right there. Let's hope that the fact that he drinks "Several times a week" corresponds to his affinity for cooking, and not that he's some sort of toilet-hugging, binge-drinking alcoholic. He could have been a little more detailed in his profile, but he seems intelligent and he can write a sentence without looking like an ignorant dumbass. Definitely worth pursuing!
Shame on eHarmony for not finding any new matches today. Does the program take Saturdays off or something? I am, however, very proud that you have been keeping your matches list so much shorter. I don't know if you're finally feeling the thirst of the guillotine or you're just getting past the guilt you were feeling about sending "Closed" messages to TOTAL STRANGERS that you will probably never encounter in your LIFE, but either way, it's a good thing. By the way, I think Dan sounds great in his messages. I think you should definitely go out with him some time (avoiding hotel rooms, of course) and see what he's like in person. You'd better start feeling better soon so you can meet some more of these dudes. I need some more stories!
Emma
Saturday, June 20, 2009
I could be dating Yanni
Did you see that Yanni was matched with me today? Of course, it says that he is an investment bank and not a singer of sappy songs for ankle-biters, but hey, it could be him right? Except he has no hair. He seems like the real Yanni in his profile though -- everything except the part where he says he is a part-time law student student. Is he twice the student the other kids are? He's definitely twice as old as anyone I saw in law school.
Did you also see that Denny sent me questions? These are his questions & my answers:
What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A) there is no such thing
B) each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not
C) a person has several soul mates in a lifetime
D) through work, any person you truly love can become your soul mate
E) Wow. I really don't have a position on this. I don't like answers A, B, or C. I'm leaning toward D, but would change "any" to "a."
2. How important is it to you that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?
A) very important, I couldn't date someone without their approval
B) important, I trust my family & friends but sometimes they are wrong
C) slightly important, if they had a strong objection I might consider it
D) not important at all, their opinions would not influence me
3. How romantic are you?
A) I love lots of romance, it is a necessity for me to feel loved
B) I am romantic, but do not require it
C) I am occasionally romantic
D) I don't consider myself a romantic person
E) A, but it depends on one's definition of romance.
4. How do you feel about food?
A) I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible.
B) I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little.
C) I like to eat and occasionally enjoy large meals.
D) I eat three regular meals a day without much additional thought.
E) GourMAND. What a word. I love to eat adventurously but hardly ever send anything back to the kitchen. (i.e., not fussy)
5. How often do you exercise?
A) Never
B) Once a week
C) Two or three times a week
D) Every Day
E) Between C and D. It depends on my schedule.
His questions weird me out for some reason. It's the combination. Any one of these alone would be okay, but the food question + the exercise question seems to say "I am only into macrobiotics and brown & green foods and you'd better have less than 10% body fat, or I'm not interested." He also came across as a super sappy guy, which is weird given the food and exercise question combo.
Did you also see that Denny sent me questions? These are his questions & my answers:
What do you think of "Soul Mates?"
A) there is no such thing
B) each person has one soul mate, whether they find them or not
C) a person has several soul mates in a lifetime
D) through work, any person you truly love can become your soul mate
E) Wow. I really don't have a position on this. I don't like answers A, B, or C. I'm leaning toward D, but would change "any" to "a."
2. How important is it to you that your partner be accepted by your family and friends?
A) very important, I couldn't date someone without their approval
B) important, I trust my family & friends but sometimes they are wrong
C) slightly important, if they had a strong objection I might consider it
D) not important at all, their opinions would not influence me
3. How romantic are you?
A) I love lots of romance, it is a necessity for me to feel loved
B) I am romantic, but do not require it
C) I am occasionally romantic
D) I don't consider myself a romantic person
E) A, but it depends on one's definition of romance.
4. How do you feel about food?
A) I consider myself a gourmand and love to dine on elaborate meals as often as possible.
B) I just eat to live, trying to be healthy and consume little.
C) I like to eat and occasionally enjoy large meals.
D) I eat three regular meals a day without much additional thought.
E) GourMAND. What a word. I love to eat adventurously but hardly ever send anything back to the kitchen. (i.e., not fussy)
5. How often do you exercise?
A) Never
B) Once a week
C) Two or three times a week
D) Every Day
E) Between C and D. It depends on my schedule.
His questions weird me out for some reason. It's the combination. Any one of these alone would be okay, but the food question + the exercise question seems to say "I am only into macrobiotics and brown & green foods and you'd better have less than 10% body fat, or I'm not interested." He also came across as a super sappy guy, which is weird given the food and exercise question combo.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Confucious say...
I've been thinking more about the story of over-eager beaver Brent, and here is the moral of that story: When you are too much of an over-eager beaver, you wind up with your wood in your paws and no dam place to put it.
Emma
Emma
Hosed
Wow. She broke one date so now he's hosed on both ends? Jeez. Why would he even send that to you? A pathetic attempt to see if you'll still get together with him? I think his idea of removing himself from eharmony would do a lot of girls a favor. :)
Fanny
Fanny
O.M.G.
There just aren't words... Brent just sent this (it's Thursday, the day we were supposed to go out before he fell in love with that girl and ditched me yesterday on Wednesday)
Harriet
hey...I just can't win. I try to be a nice guy and I always end up on the short end of the stick...the girl flaked out on me. We were going to go out for our 4th date tonight and she completely flaked out with a lame excuse. So in being honest with you and her and deciding it isn't fair to "play the field" I got hosed at both ends :>)Oh well, guess I'll just keep doing outdoors stuff and try to forget about dating. I think I'm even going to remove myself from eharmony. I just don't feel comfortable trying to date multiple gals at the same time or choosing between gals...it just doesn't feel right.Hope you are well and have a fun weekend
Brent
Okay, maybe there are some words. We all know this is a blatant, but pathetic attempt to activate the second choice clause this guy tried to write into our termination contract. I think I handled the first break-up email with class, writing "No problem! Good luck." and then promptly closing him on my match list. I accepted his offer to terminate. Now, he tells me he had been on three dates with this other girl. This is what you call premature rejectification. And, like all premature rejectifiers, he is regretting the anticlimactic response of his "gals." Oh, but I like the use of the smiley face.
Harriet
Harriet
hey...I just can't win. I try to be a nice guy and I always end up on the short end of the stick...the girl flaked out on me. We were going to go out for our 4th date tonight and she completely flaked out with a lame excuse. So in being honest with you and her and deciding it isn't fair to "play the field" I got hosed at both ends :>)Oh well, guess I'll just keep doing outdoors stuff and try to forget about dating. I think I'm even going to remove myself from eharmony. I just don't feel comfortable trying to date multiple gals at the same time or choosing between gals...it just doesn't feel right.Hope you are well and have a fun weekend
Brent
Okay, maybe there are some words. We all know this is a blatant, but pathetic attempt to activate the second choice clause this guy tried to write into our termination contract. I think I handled the first break-up email with class, writing "No problem! Good luck." and then promptly closing him on my match list. I accepted his offer to terminate. Now, he tells me he had been on three dates with this other girl. This is what you call premature rejectification. And, like all premature rejectifiers, he is regretting the anticlimactic response of his "gals." Oh, but I like the use of the smiley face.
Harriet
First break-up
...and we've only had one date. In an odd twist of fate, Brent just emailed and cut me loose. I'm very happy for him, because it seems he has found a girl who can handle the too-much-information problem:
Harriet,
I hate to do this but I'm not really into juggling dates. I have met someone recently and we are getting along well. I can only handle one girl at a time :>) I was going to give it a go with her and see where things go. I don't think it's fair to try to date someone unless you are completely there...with that said, if things don't work out with this girl I would love to get together with you again sometime. You seem really nice. Anyway, I'd rather not lead you on or confuse things and think we should bail on thursday night. I'm sure you've got guys banging down your door anyway. I hope you understand.
Brent
Apparently, he was dating this girl when he sent me that email last week with his whole schedule. He sent that email on a friday and this is wednesday. Did he really just say that he likes this girl better but that if it doesn't work out, I'm his second choice? I like the use of the smiley face.
Harriet
Harriet,
I hate to do this but I'm not really into juggling dates. I have met someone recently and we are getting along well. I can only handle one girl at a time :>) I was going to give it a go with her and see where things go. I don't think it's fair to try to date someone unless you are completely there...with that said, if things don't work out with this girl I would love to get together with you again sometime. You seem really nice. Anyway, I'd rather not lead you on or confuse things and think we should bail on thursday night. I'm sure you've got guys banging down your door anyway. I hope you understand.
Brent
Apparently, he was dating this girl when he sent me that email last week with his whole schedule. He sent that email on a friday and this is wednesday. Did he really just say that he likes this girl better but that if it doesn't work out, I'm his second choice? I like the use of the smiley face.
Harriet
Dirty Dating
NO, I didn't mean to talk dirty to Dan! I was talking about cable tv. How dirty is that? Jeez. I think I suck at this.
Harriet
Harriet
Oldies, but goodies
Did you mean to sound dirty/sexy in your email to Dan? Because it totally did! I like staying in hotel rooms occasionally = maybe we could end up in one in man-talk. Dirty, dirty girl.
John-Ed seems to have taken the email rejection well. You've gotta love a guy who references your gut in his final email.
"My booty or my eyes"-Bridget-Fonda-smile-stealing Chad closed you for "Other" reasons. I know you're crushed, but try to hold it together.
Father Christmas Scott requested a Fast Track with you. You'd better watch out- it might turn into a stalking situation. Then he'll see you when you're sleeping. He'll know when you're awake. He'll know if you've been bad or good, and you'll catch him in your apartment trying to steal your shoes with your underwear on his head and you'll have to call the cops.
Now, on to the fun part- NEW MATCHES!
Carlos- Obviously in the mob. Looks sort of like a Latino Jordan Knight. Don't make him cuhsh you! (That's "Don't make him cut you" in a Latino mob-guy accent.)
Ramiro- Would be much easier to type about if I could stop laughing. Seriously. You must see this guy to believe it. I wonder if he paid Glamour Shots to take that photo. I just snorted!
Michael- Describes himself as "a reader", but doesn't know any of the names of the authors or titles of the books he has read. He tries to Jedi mind trick you out of noticing the discrepancy there by saying he read books in IRAQ and capitalizing all four letters. For being 44 and a military man, he sure has creepy long hair and a goofy, this-is-my-smoochy-face look in some of his pics.
Greg- Looks pretty squidgy for a guy who 'enjoy(s) working out'.
Eric- If you ever saw the movie Mars Attacks!, Eric will look familiar to you. I feel another snort coming on... nope, laughed myself into a coughing fit, instead. At 48, Eric is into building and flying model airplanes, playing computer games, and M&Ms. He also owns a lovely Bill Cosby sweater. Ok, that time, I did snort. And drooled a little. (This is the most awesome bunch of guys I've ever seen on here.) What a keeper!
Steve- 47-year-old-Steve used the word passion/passionate no less than SEVEN times in his profile. That's a lot of passion for someone who probably needs viagra to ignite it. But if you're into fiveheads (that's when it's too big to be a forehead), this is your guy.
After today's lot of less-than-golden oldies, I'm changing your age settings and dropping the top down. They're obviously going to keep sending you people above and below your range anyway. I really hope you feel better soon. If laughter really is the best medicine, then checking out this latest batch of dudes will cure you instantly. I've been laughing for like the last ten minutes. I love this job!
Emma
John-Ed seems to have taken the email rejection well. You've gotta love a guy who references your gut in his final email.
"My booty or my eyes"-Bridget-Fonda-smile-stealing Chad closed you for "Other" reasons. I know you're crushed, but try to hold it together.
Father Christmas Scott requested a Fast Track with you. You'd better watch out- it might turn into a stalking situation. Then he'll see you when you're sleeping. He'll know when you're awake. He'll know if you've been bad or good, and you'll catch him in your apartment trying to steal your shoes with your underwear on his head and you'll have to call the cops.
Now, on to the fun part- NEW MATCHES!
Carlos- Obviously in the mob. Looks sort of like a Latino Jordan Knight. Don't make him cuhsh you! (That's "Don't make him cut you" in a Latino mob-guy accent.)
Ramiro- Would be much easier to type about if I could stop laughing. Seriously. You must see this guy to believe it. I wonder if he paid Glamour Shots to take that photo. I just snorted!
Michael- Describes himself as "a reader", but doesn't know any of the names of the authors or titles of the books he has read. He tries to Jedi mind trick you out of noticing the discrepancy there by saying he read books in IRAQ and capitalizing all four letters. For being 44 and a military man, he sure has creepy long hair and a goofy, this-is-my-smoochy-face look in some of his pics.
Greg- Looks pretty squidgy for a guy who 'enjoy(s) working out'.
Eric- If you ever saw the movie Mars Attacks!, Eric will look familiar to you. I feel another snort coming on... nope, laughed myself into a coughing fit, instead. At 48, Eric is into building and flying model airplanes, playing computer games, and M&Ms. He also owns a lovely Bill Cosby sweater. Ok, that time, I did snort. And drooled a little. (This is the most awesome bunch of guys I've ever seen on here.) What a keeper!
Steve- 47-year-old-Steve used the word passion/passionate no less than SEVEN times in his profile. That's a lot of passion for someone who probably needs viagra to ignite it. But if you're into fiveheads (that's when it's too big to be a forehead), this is your guy.
After today's lot of less-than-golden oldies, I'm changing your age settings and dropping the top down. They're obviously going to keep sending you people above and below your range anyway. I really hope you feel better soon. If laughter really is the best medicine, then checking out this latest batch of dudes will cure you instantly. I've been laughing for like the last ten minutes. I love this job!
Emma
Frodo
I'm just shocked you didn't realize that Cliff is really Frodo. Seriously. Frodo, or his very tall brother. He looks just like Elija Wood... (notice my Mark dots)
I have caught a cold. I think it's because I've been on three dates in a week. John-Ed, Brent, and Rob. One of them gave me the cooties. Despite this, all three of them are good conversationlists, but John-Ed and Rob are too old. Rob mentioned that I looked "hot" three times on our 1.5 hour date. Ick. I think you're right about the sex obsession. That, and he had a beer belly. I don't mind a little upholtery on my men, but I draw the line when your upholstery was designed by Pabst. Brent and I are supposed to meet for an hour on Thursday (in between his day job and a meeting he has to go to about whitewater rafting in Colorado.) I think I'm more excited about the white water rafting than the date.
Harriet
I have caught a cold. I think it's because I've been on three dates in a week. John-Ed, Brent, and Rob. One of them gave me the cooties. Despite this, all three of them are good conversationlists, but John-Ed and Rob are too old. Rob mentioned that I looked "hot" three times on our 1.5 hour date. Ick. I think you're right about the sex obsession. That, and he had a beer belly. I don't mind a little upholtery on my men, but I draw the line when your upholstery was designed by Pabst. Brent and I are supposed to meet for an hour on Thursday (in between his day job and a meeting he has to go to about whitewater rafting in Colorado.) I think I'm more excited about the white water rafting than the date.
Harriet
Father Christmas and pirate booty
Well, you have another lot of dudes for the day. Here's what the puppet-master thinks of them.
Chad- Chad is funny, but I'm not sure whether or not it's intentional. When asked what the first thing you'll notice about him, he said, "My booty or my eyes... you tell me". How can you notice a person's booty when you meet them face-to-face? Is it enormous? Does he mean pirate's booty? Maybe that's it- he wears giant, piratey, Mr. T gold chains, and that's what people tend to notice first. I'll tell you what I noticed first. Ring ring. Bridget Fonda called. She wants her smile back, Mr. McCreepy. If you can get past all that, I think the two of you have some things in common activity-level-wise.
Scott- Scott is obviously trying to use Christmas in his photos to bring out the warm fuzzies in the women viewing his profile. He looks like a dad. A nice dad, but a dad. Hey, we can call him Father Christmas. :-) It's definitely time to drop that age range down to 42.
Steve- Steve got one of the shiny golden aliens from Cocoon to take his picture. You'd think with all that spaceship technology, the alien would have been better at it. What, is that a finger? Why would he use this photo?
Mark- Mark has a problem with overuse of the 'dot dot dot'. This could mean several things.
A) Mark is secretly a spy, and has to trail off at the ends of his sentences because they are full of code, and he needs people to read between the lines.
B) Mark is easily distracted, and actually means to write more, but then sees something shiny and his finger just drifts to the period key.
C) Mark is into mind control. He wants us to wonder about the extra dots. He NEEDS us to wonder about the extra dots. God, NO! It's working!
I also really like his trendy jeans, white shirt, smooth hairdo picture. Very Days of our Lives.
Brandon- MY EARS HURT JUST FROM READING ALL THE CAPITAL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS! IT'S LIKE BEING YELLED AT OVER THE INTERNET!
Cliff- Um, yeah. What can I say about Cliff? He's perfect. A hemp-weaving, Birkenstock-wearing, thong-guy-toting, vegetarian fruitcake. I mean, who wouldn't want a man who never drinks and describes his relationship with another man as not being able to be 'described in words'? You want real fodder for comedy? Go out with him.
Emma
Chad- Chad is funny, but I'm not sure whether or not it's intentional. When asked what the first thing you'll notice about him, he said, "My booty or my eyes... you tell me". How can you notice a person's booty when you meet them face-to-face? Is it enormous? Does he mean pirate's booty? Maybe that's it- he wears giant, piratey, Mr. T gold chains, and that's what people tend to notice first. I'll tell you what I noticed first. Ring ring. Bridget Fonda called. She wants her smile back, Mr. McCreepy. If you can get past all that, I think the two of you have some things in common activity-level-wise.
Scott- Scott is obviously trying to use Christmas in his photos to bring out the warm fuzzies in the women viewing his profile. He looks like a dad. A nice dad, but a dad. Hey, we can call him Father Christmas. :-) It's definitely time to drop that age range down to 42.
Steve- Steve got one of the shiny golden aliens from Cocoon to take his picture. You'd think with all that spaceship technology, the alien would have been better at it. What, is that a finger? Why would he use this photo?
Mark- Mark has a problem with overuse of the 'dot dot dot'. This could mean several things.
A) Mark is secretly a spy, and has to trail off at the ends of his sentences because they are full of code, and he needs people to read between the lines.
B) Mark is easily distracted, and actually means to write more, but then sees something shiny and his finger just drifts to the period key.
C) Mark is into mind control. He wants us to wonder about the extra dots. He NEEDS us to wonder about the extra dots. God, NO! It's working!
I also really like his trendy jeans, white shirt, smooth hairdo picture. Very Days of our Lives.
Brandon- MY EARS HURT JUST FROM READING ALL THE CAPITAL LETTERS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS! IT'S LIKE BEING YELLED AT OVER THE INTERNET!
Cliff- Um, yeah. What can I say about Cliff? He's perfect. A hemp-weaving, Birkenstock-wearing, thong-guy-toting, vegetarian fruitcake. I mean, who wouldn't want a man who never drinks and describes his relationship with another man as not being able to be 'described in words'? You want real fodder for comedy? Go out with him.
Emma
Showing them the exit
How about you just point behind them and say, "Hey, is that girl's boob hanging out?", and when they turn to look, RUN!
Or, if the guy was a real dick, you could just say, "You know, I've been thinking that maybe I should try dating girls, and after tonight, I think I'm ready to make that step."
If he asks for your number, you could say, "Really? I thought you were gay..."
Emma
Or, if the guy was a real dick, you could just say, "You know, I've been thinking that maybe I should try dating girls, and after tonight, I think I'm ready to make that step."
If he asks for your number, you could say, "Really? I thought you were gay..."
Emma
Exit strategies
Yeah - sad sack lot this week. I think I looked at some of them. Didn't I already close some of those bastards? Maybe it's just that they all sound alike in their man-dorkiness now.
I think 'Rob' the Tate-Donovan-impersonating sex freak is going to be more like a science experiment than a date, but I feel the need to use my three almost-free months of eHarmony so I'll have good war stories.
I had trouble escaping my Jon-Ed date the other night. I panicked and said, "Well, um, maybe I'll hear from you by email?" before jumping into my car and driving off. I didn't really want him to email me again, but I needed something to end the painful repetition in my head that went something like, "Oh, please don't do the lean in and kiss me thing. Please, please, please. Should I stick out my hand? Should I give him a high five?" So, I need to be prepared for this. This is what happens when you date the same person for a long time and you get out of practice at the exit lines. I'm going to work on my closing skills. I'm practicing my exit lines. For example:
Stock exit line: "Well, it was really nice to meet you. Good night!"
In response to a "can I have your number?" "Well, it was really nice to meet you, but I'm not sure I felt the chemistry. Ba-BYE!" (this one requires an immediate exit)
I'm debating an alternative, "I don't like to give out my number unless I feel really comfortable with someone." (this puts them back online and may offend them enough not to email me again, while not really being rude myself)
You're good at the pithy one-liners. Some help would be appreciated...
Harriet
I think 'Rob' the Tate-Donovan-impersonating sex freak is going to be more like a science experiment than a date, but I feel the need to use my three almost-free months of eHarmony so I'll have good war stories.
I had trouble escaping my Jon-Ed date the other night. I panicked and said, "Well, um, maybe I'll hear from you by email?" before jumping into my car and driving off. I didn't really want him to email me again, but I needed something to end the painful repetition in my head that went something like, "Oh, please don't do the lean in and kiss me thing. Please, please, please. Should I stick out my hand? Should I give him a high five?" So, I need to be prepared for this. This is what happens when you date the same person for a long time and you get out of practice at the exit lines. I'm going to work on my closing skills. I'm practicing my exit lines. For example:
Stock exit line: "Well, it was really nice to meet you. Good night!"
In response to a "can I have your number?" "Well, it was really nice to meet you, but I'm not sure I felt the chemistry. Ba-BYE!" (this one requires an immediate exit)
I'm debating an alternative, "I don't like to give out my number unless I feel really comfortable with someone." (this puts them back online and may offend them enough not to email me again, while not really being rude myself)
You're good at the pithy one-liners. Some help would be appreciated...
Harriet
These guys smoke...literally
So, I went through the new matches. Why are all the sudden so many of them occasional smokers? That would be a major dealbreaker for me- smokers stink! Literally.
Anyway, here's my runthrough (oh, and I didn't like either of the guys on there from the 14th):
You'll have to let me know how your night-date with the old, Tate-Donovan-impersonator drummer turns out. ;-) I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat for your response! Exclamation point!
Emma
Anyway, here's my runthrough (oh, and I didn't like either of the guys on there from the 14th):
- Brian- no photo, but had a couple slightly funny answers in his profile
- Paul- This is the definitive nice guy that every girl instantly puts in the friend category. His God awful hairdo and outdated clothes aren't helping that image. He looks like he takes fashion advice from Jerry Seinfeld.
- Gary- Sounds good on paper, like you guys could have a fun time out together. If only he were attractive...
- Sam. If you EVER communicate with him, I will die a little inside, as I know him personally, see him often, and went to school with him. He's the guy that I always joke to my friends that I can't go to the bar district without seeing him. I see him EVERY time I'm out, and he's always wasted to the point of swaying or falling down. Slurred speech, woozy come-on lines, etc. He used to do some pretty heavy drugs, too, but maybe he's finally kicked all that. Other than all that, Sam really is a very nice guy and pretty cute, though short. Oh, and he used to date a friend of mine. I beg you to close this match before he can look at your profile and ask you out.
- Matt- Should seriously stop posing with people that are better looking than he is and taking profile pics at conventions.
- Jeremy- Ahh, a man of few words and tight tee shirts. Oh, and party pics with blonde, fake-breasted girls. The same ones over and over, no less.
- Wade- The man can't write and looks like Zach Braff. I can't stand people who can't spell the word 'losing'. He also said something about 'spenting time with family' I think? I wondered if he was foreign, but I think he's just stupid.
You'll have to let me know how your night-date with the old, Tate-Donovan-impersonator drummer turns out. ;-) I'll be waiting on the edge of my seat for your response! Exclamation point!
Emma
Mail Order Bride
When you're over 30 and unmarried...wait, let me clarify, have never been married, are reasonably attractive, have a good job, and have no obvious deal breakers (unfathomable debt, a wooden leg, a passel of illegitimate children, etc.) You start to make your friends nervous. They start casting maniacally around for someone-- anyone -- to set you up with so that you fit into their ideal picture of happiness and normalcy. I've noticed this trend especially in my married-with-kids friends. Case in point, the following email. Note my reply on my date with John-Ed this weekend.
Dear Harriet,
Hope you’re doing well these days. I had a random, semi-weird thought and question if you don’t mind. If so, press “DELETE” and read no further. If not, keep on. For Spanish, press “2,” Dutch, “3,” Swahili, “4,” Latin, “5,” Pig Latin, “6,” or Ebonics, “7.”
Still with me? OK. Thanks. My buddy here at the university who I work with was mentioning that he had been having a rough time meeting cool chicks. I hope you don’t mind being considered one, but I told him I’d go through my memory banks and think of folks who would be good to meet. As most of the folks I know these days are contemplating Kindergarten, I have lost some serious touch with who’s doing what, or who, or whatever. So, I thought I’d see if you had any interest if you were ever in the area of meeting Adam.
He’s actually my boss, but very cool, which is a statement I don’t make about many folks. Let alone those I report to. He got divorced a few years back and has two great kids who are about 7 and 9. Very sweet kids. He and his ex-wife, who also lives here, have a great existing relationship respective to the kids. Adam runs, lifts and attends all of his kids’ events. He will hopefully get promoted some day so I can take his job. I think they’ve got roots here, though his family is back in Michigan.
I can tell you more if you like, and was reluctant to see if this would even be of interest. It’s been a while since I’ve tried to work anything like this out, but I had check once his only criteria seemed to be a chick that was cool. You may be the last one standing…
I hope the rest of it is going well. Holler if you wanna chat further about it.
Christopher
Dear Christopher,
Shockingly, I get these emails quite a bit, because (as you so eloquently put it) I AM THE LAST SINGLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (echoing, echoing, echoing...)
I'm sure your boss is a wonderful man, but I live 200 miles away from you (and him).
Tell him to join eHarmony. I went on a date last night with a tasty morsel of a man who wore Erkle pants. Seriously, his light blue, high-waisted, high water jeans were awesome. He wore an eggplant colored polo tucked waaaaaay into said jeans and wore it all with gray socks and clunky brown shoes. Needless to say, I'll be off the market soon if our romance blossoms the way I think it will.
Don't think I don't appreciate you trying to turn me into a mail order bride, though. I really appreciate the shout out. And, in theory, I would love to be your boss's girlfriend because then I could probably think of creative ways to torture you for this:)
Seriously, though. Thanks for thinking of me and calling me a cool chick. Other than internet dating, the other way to do it is to have a party and invite all the single people you know then sit back and watch the magic. Surely your wife knows some single girls? My friend Cindy just moved up there close to you. She's single. She's like 5'10", so Adam would have to be tall. She's kind of hard to set up because of her height. That, and she's a half-Jewish atheist with strong Democratic ideals... Geez, this matchmaking stuff is hard.
I'll leave you with my closing message on eHarmony: "Good luck with your search!"
Harriet
Dear Harriet,
Hope you’re doing well these days. I had a random, semi-weird thought and question if you don’t mind. If so, press “DELETE” and read no further. If not, keep on. For Spanish, press “2,” Dutch, “3,” Swahili, “4,” Latin, “5,” Pig Latin, “6,” or Ebonics, “7.”
Still with me? OK. Thanks. My buddy here at the university who I work with was mentioning that he had been having a rough time meeting cool chicks. I hope you don’t mind being considered one, but I told him I’d go through my memory banks and think of folks who would be good to meet. As most of the folks I know these days are contemplating Kindergarten, I have lost some serious touch with who’s doing what, or who, or whatever. So, I thought I’d see if you had any interest if you were ever in the area of meeting Adam.
He’s actually my boss, but very cool, which is a statement I don’t make about many folks. Let alone those I report to. He got divorced a few years back and has two great kids who are about 7 and 9. Very sweet kids. He and his ex-wife, who also lives here, have a great existing relationship respective to the kids. Adam runs, lifts and attends all of his kids’ events. He will hopefully get promoted some day so I can take his job. I think they’ve got roots here, though his family is back in Michigan.
I can tell you more if you like, and was reluctant to see if this would even be of interest. It’s been a while since I’ve tried to work anything like this out, but I had check once his only criteria seemed to be a chick that was cool. You may be the last one standing…
I hope the rest of it is going well. Holler if you wanna chat further about it.
Christopher
Dear Christopher,
Shockingly, I get these emails quite a bit, because (as you so eloquently put it) I AM THE LAST SINGLE WOMAN IN THE WORLD. (echoing, echoing, echoing...)
I'm sure your boss is a wonderful man, but I live 200 miles away from you (and him).
Tell him to join eHarmony. I went on a date last night with a tasty morsel of a man who wore Erkle pants. Seriously, his light blue, high-waisted, high water jeans were awesome. He wore an eggplant colored polo tucked waaaaaay into said jeans and wore it all with gray socks and clunky brown shoes. Needless to say, I'll be off the market soon if our romance blossoms the way I think it will.
Don't think I don't appreciate you trying to turn me into a mail order bride, though. I really appreciate the shout out. And, in theory, I would love to be your boss's girlfriend because then I could probably think of creative ways to torture you for this:)
Seriously, though. Thanks for thinking of me and calling me a cool chick. Other than internet dating, the other way to do it is to have a party and invite all the single people you know then sit back and watch the magic. Surely your wife knows some single girls? My friend Cindy just moved up there close to you. She's single. She's like 5'10", so Adam would have to be tall. She's kind of hard to set up because of her height. That, and she's a half-Jewish atheist with strong Democratic ideals... Geez, this matchmaking stuff is hard.
I'll leave you with my closing message on eHarmony: "Good luck with your search!"
Harriet
Sex on eHarmony
The only one of your June 11th matches that I found acceptable was Chris.
And I'm weirded out by Rob who sent you a message today. He seems obsessed with sex. His "must haves/can't stands" make it sound like he's a sex fiend who is sexually dysfunctional (hence, the partner who needs to be 'understanding and passionate' involving sex). Ick.
Emma
And I'm weirded out by Rob who sent you a message today. He seems obsessed with sex. His "must haves/can't stands" make it sound like he's a sex fiend who is sexually dysfunctional (hence, the partner who needs to be 'understanding and passionate' involving sex). Ick.
Emma
HJNTITY
Yeah, yeah. TTYL and BTW and using a 2 for 'to' and 4 for 'for'. You must not text much. It IS a pain in the ass to text all that down. I never use lol.
Did you see I have a date with John-Ed on Sunday night? WEIRD.
And, Brent just dropped off the face of the planet. Oh well, another one bites the dust, I guess. He seemed very eager, so maybe he didn't like my TTYL or maybe he got hit by a bus? Maybe he's just not that into me. I'm creating a new textism for that: HJNTITY. Notice the Tity at the end. Appropriate, I think.
As for your Bob comments, yes, I know. As you can tell, however, I hesitated and didn't axe. Wouldn't it be nice to date a chef? Even if he was only making vegetables? I'm not much of a meat eater, but the kids + spinning class do make him suspicious.
Harriet
Did you see I have a date with John-Ed on Sunday night? WEIRD.
And, Brent just dropped off the face of the planet. Oh well, another one bites the dust, I guess. He seemed very eager, so maybe he didn't like my TTYL or maybe he got hit by a bus? Maybe he's just not that into me. I'm creating a new textism for that: HJNTITY. Notice the Tity at the end. Appropriate, I think.
As for your Bob comments, yes, I know. As you can tell, however, I hesitated and didn't axe. Wouldn't it be nice to date a chef? Even if he was only making vegetables? I'm not much of a meat eater, but the kids + spinning class do make him suspicious.
Harriet
Dog, meat and drips
I like Dan (no, not just because he has dogs) and also Dave (that sent you a communication).
I thought both seemed cool. Can't help wondering if you've come across Dan already, since it says for profession: attorney/real estate.
How incredibly insane that you know Ethan that they matched you with. That's not awkward or anything. ??? That's one of those things where you probably hope you don't run into each other at any parties again, so you don't have to go through the hell of deciding whether you are going to pretend you've never seen his stupid girl-bites-ear picture on eHarmony.
Bob, who said he is a vegetarian with many "Keeper" qualities and enjoys spin class, is NOT my cup of tea. I could never date a vegetarian, although I have the utmost respect for their eating habits. I'm just too into MEAT. Why did that sound dirty? Besides, I don't like the mental image I get of a guy in spin class... By the way, did you notice that looking down the list, it's Bob and then Dylan? Bob Dylan. he he.
I'm so proud of you for getting rid of so many random drips! Good for you for finally wielding the dating axe of death. :-) I must say, though, that I was shocked and dismayed to read "TTYL" in a message from you, who has had such a long and industrious career involving words. Et tu, Brute? Text-speak gives me the oogies, although I have finally gotten used to 'lol'.
Begrudgingly. Scott, on your "Communicating" list, who closed your match, is definitely another dodged bullet of the Maynard variety. The fist pic in his album shows him with a woman I am assuming is his mother. I can see the family resemblance, as they both look drunk.
I'm excited to see you this weekend. We can finally point and laugh at these people together in person, instead of just in spirit. We can also laugh at Fanny while she gets all misty over some obvious douchebag's account of his grandfather/role model. Then you can have a nice laugh at us while we argue over who is picking better guys for you. That's just good times all 'round. ;-D
Emma
I thought both seemed cool. Can't help wondering if you've come across Dan already, since it says for profession: attorney/real estate.
How incredibly insane that you know Ethan that they matched you with. That's not awkward or anything. ??? That's one of those things where you probably hope you don't run into each other at any parties again, so you don't have to go through the hell of deciding whether you are going to pretend you've never seen his stupid girl-bites-ear picture on eHarmony.
Bob, who said he is a vegetarian with many "Keeper" qualities and enjoys spin class, is NOT my cup of tea. I could never date a vegetarian, although I have the utmost respect for their eating habits. I'm just too into MEAT. Why did that sound dirty? Besides, I don't like the mental image I get of a guy in spin class... By the way, did you notice that looking down the list, it's Bob and then Dylan? Bob Dylan. he he.
I'm so proud of you for getting rid of so many random drips! Good for you for finally wielding the dating axe of death. :-) I must say, though, that I was shocked and dismayed to read "TTYL" in a message from you, who has had such a long and industrious career involving words. Et tu, Brute? Text-speak gives me the oogies, although I have finally gotten used to 'lol'.
Begrudgingly. Scott, on your "Communicating" list, who closed your match, is definitely another dodged bullet of the Maynard variety. The fist pic in his album shows him with a woman I am assuming is his mother. I can see the family resemblance, as they both look drunk.
I'm excited to see you this weekend. We can finally point and laugh at these people together in person, instead of just in spirit. We can also laugh at Fanny while she gets all misty over some obvious douchebag's account of his grandfather/role model. Then you can have a nice laugh at us while we argue over who is picking better guys for you. That's just good times all 'round. ;-D
Emma
Guillotine time
- Ken is AXED. Asshole. What was with that photo with him and all the NFL cheerleaders?
- Aaron is axed too. Lives 60 miles away + 2 kids = NO.
- Mark is cute -- I sent him questions.
- Joe was reasonably cute, so I sent him questions. Will probably axe later.
- I axed a bunch of others.
- I KNOW Ethan. He's a friend of a friend that I met at a party WEIRD. Apparently he is dating someone he met at eHarmony (I checked with the friend). He claims he thought he cancelled his membership, but maybe he's just a playa. Soooooo busted.
- Phillip (long haired hippy freak) is axed because he's just ridiculous.
- Barry is axed because he's a "staunch Republican." Translation: asshole.
Harriet
Over-Eager Beaver Brent
I'm sure no man will ever be interested in reading our blog(so far nobody else is), but if a man ever reads this, this is a cautionary tale. When one has a lunch date and an hour of nice conversation, and the lady agrees to let you have her phone number (though slightly reluctantly), you must make your next move strategically. You want to call or email soon, but not too soon (24 -36 hours is ideal). You want to play it cool -- You really had a great time and would like to do it again. How about this weekend? The object is not to piss her off and not to scare her. This is not rocket science. Brent went a little wheels-off with this email:
"I just wanted to tell you it was a pleasure meeting you today. I would love to get together with you again and I will be calling you. Since you're leaving for the weekend, I'm thinking monday you would need to unwind back in town (I have monday totally open if not)...tuesday I have a private two step lesson at 6 so I'd be free like say 7:30. Wed. I have group dance lessons from 7 to 10. Thursday is open and friday evening I have a hike and dinner if you'd like to join me. When I am feeling a little more comfortable with the two step, I would love to go with you. I'm learning swing and Salsa, so if you ever want to go dance we could totally do that, but alas, my wed. nights are booked for at least this month with group dance lessons. I love movies, so that is a top choice for me. And, once you get to know me, if you stick it out long enough, I would eventually like to show off my cooking skills. I make a mean stuffed shells dish.You are super cute :>)You pick a day next week, I'll make the plans!!!!!!"
Sweetie. What to say to this? YOU ARE FREAKIN ME OUT! You just gave me your entire week's schedule (much of which pertained to dance -- when did you become Lord of the Dance?) on an hour-by-hour play-by-play and pretty much threw yourself at my feet in what can only be regarded as a desperate you-haven't-had-a-good-date-in-a-LONG-time maneuver. You have put me in a difficult position, because this is so desperate I'm going to have to go out with you again or risk your suicide. The thing, is girls can relate to desperation, so we are reluctant to punish you for it. I'll have to think about this.
Harriet.
"I just wanted to tell you it was a pleasure meeting you today. I would love to get together with you again and I will be calling you. Since you're leaving for the weekend, I'm thinking monday you would need to unwind back in town (I have monday totally open if not)...tuesday I have a private two step lesson at 6 so I'd be free like say 7:30. Wed. I have group dance lessons from 7 to 10. Thursday is open and friday evening I have a hike and dinner if you'd like to join me. When I am feeling a little more comfortable with the two step, I would love to go with you. I'm learning swing and Salsa, so if you ever want to go dance we could totally do that, but alas, my wed. nights are booked for at least this month with group dance lessons. I love movies, so that is a top choice for me. And, once you get to know me, if you stick it out long enough, I would eventually like to show off my cooking skills. I make a mean stuffed shells dish.You are super cute :>)You pick a day next week, I'll make the plans!!!!!!"
Sweetie. What to say to this? YOU ARE FREAKIN ME OUT! You just gave me your entire week's schedule (much of which pertained to dance -- when did you become Lord of the Dance?) on an hour-by-hour play-by-play and pretty much threw yourself at my feet in what can only be regarded as a desperate you-haven't-had-a-good-date-in-a-LONG-time maneuver. You have put me in a difficult position, because this is so desperate I'm going to have to go out with you again or risk your suicide. The thing, is girls can relate to desperation, so we are reluctant to punish you for it. I'll have to think about this.
Harriet.
- Bill had no picture, so it's impossible to really have an impression of him.
- Keith seems like a class one DICKHEAD to me, but that's just one girl's opinion. I wasn't surprised he deals in Natural Gas Marketing and Trading- he definitely seemed full of hot, stinky air.
- Adam is cute- short, but cute. I thought it was odd that all he talked about in his profile was his two sons, and there are no pics of him with them on the site. I'm sure it was just a personal choice he made, but I wanted to see those kids after he spent all that time writing about them.
- Paul seemed very generic with his answers. I didn't like how he said he was passionate about being a great "daddy". Somehow, maybe because of our dad, the daddy bit didn't sit well. Why wouldn't you say "father" or "dad"?
- Mark seems like a nice guy, and not too bad to look at. For the life of me, I don't know why you want to date these guys with kids. They ALL have kids!
- Joe is one of those people who can't be bothered to capitalize the first letter of a sentence, which drives me batty. He seems like you guys would have some stuff in common, but I'm a little put off by how many times the word "fit" appears on his profile. I don't like guys obsessed with fitness. It's obvious that he's chosen to put a side view of himself for his profile photo because there's the teeniest hint of young George Clooney in the look. Complete with the overwhelming eyebrows.
- Richard didn't even bother filling out the bio to any extent. Here's where I play the Debbie Downer noise- WAAAAH wwaaaaaaooooohhh
Send me a list of people that you know haven't a snowball's chance in hell of ever going out with you, so that I can give them the axe. We're getting out of hand quickly, here. The guillotine is HUNGRY! I hope that the outing with Mr. Two-names is fun. At the very least, you'll have a story to tell. ;-)
Emma
Hopelessly Denoted To You
Thought you could use a laugh from one of your latest matches...
"I'm very denoted to my kids..." It's nice to meet men who can denote themselves to anything.
;-)
Emma
"I'm very denoted to my kids..." It's nice to meet men who can denote themselves to anything.
;-)
Emma
Flex Match, my ass
This is in case a Tom Hanks or a Sean Connery or some other incredibly sexy 55+ year old guy is just waiting for a spring chicken like me at 35.
Dude -- all the great 55 year old men are looking at girls in their 20s. The rest of the losers are the result of Flex Matching at its worst. It's more to make them feel better, not me.
I wonder if they are just as flexible for guys -- sending 20 something guys matches in their 40s. I'll bet they aren't. It's only women they think are so insecure that they'd "go outside their comfort zone." I feel like a bit of a cougar with the 30-33 year old guys they are matching me with.
So, I have a couple of dates set up. One of the Johns and I are going for coffee, but when he emailed me, he said his name is really Ed. I don't understand this. Is he married and is afraid his wife is on eHarmony too? Does he just like to keep the girls guessing? I will not be able to think of him as Ed. He will now be John/Ed or "two-face." He's now like one of those backwoods Appalachian guys named "Johnny-Ray" or "Bubba-Lyle." John-Ed. It looks like the name of a guys who gets a lot of hookers. I've been John-Ed.
The other guy is Brent. He emailed me and asked me if I wanted to do lunch or breakfast on friday moring. Breakfast? What kind of a girl does he think I am? When we settled on a late lunch, he wrote, "I'm looking forward to meeting you and your sense of humor !!!" I'll try to bring it with me. He seems...very eager. (making squidgy, back away face)
Harriet
Dude -- all the great 55 year old men are looking at girls in their 20s. The rest of the losers are the result of Flex Matching at its worst. It's more to make them feel better, not me.
I wonder if they are just as flexible for guys -- sending 20 something guys matches in their 40s. I'll bet they aren't. It's only women they think are so insecure that they'd "go outside their comfort zone." I feel like a bit of a cougar with the 30-33 year old guys they are matching me with.
So, I have a couple of dates set up. One of the Johns and I are going for coffee, but when he emailed me, he said his name is really Ed. I don't understand this. Is he married and is afraid his wife is on eHarmony too? Does he just like to keep the girls guessing? I will not be able to think of him as Ed. He will now be John/Ed or "two-face." He's now like one of those backwoods Appalachian guys named "Johnny-Ray" or "Bubba-Lyle." John-Ed. It looks like the name of a guys who gets a lot of hookers. I've been John-Ed.
The other guy is Brent. He emailed me and asked me if I wanted to do lunch or breakfast on friday moring. Breakfast? What kind of a girl does he think I am? When we settled on a late lunch, he wrote, "I'm looking forward to meeting you and your sense of humor !!!" I'll try to bring it with me. He seems...very eager. (making squidgy, back away face)
Harriet
Age Ranges
Here's what I found out about the age range thing:
Question: Why am I getting matches outside of my current settings?
Answer: If you have received a match that is outside your current Match Settings, this is most likely a result of our Flexible Matching settings which can be adjusted from within your account at any time.With Flexible Matching, we temporarily relax the Match Selection criteria which you indicated are least important to you. This often allows us to find you more matches, and so from time to time, if no matches can be found for you, we will employ Flexible Matching. You can tell if we've found a match for you using Flexible Matching because there will be a "About Flexible Matching" link at the top of the Match Details page for the match. We encourage you to communicate with all of your matches, including those that may be outside your comfort zone as you never know who that special someone may be.
If you do not wish to receive Flexible Matches, or would like to adjust the Flexible Matches you are recieving:Log into your eHarmony account Go to My Settings, Match Settings Scroll to the bottom of the page to find "Match Flexibility" Select "Edit Preferences" Adjust your settings to reflect how important each aspect is to you (the more important you tell us a setting is, the less Flexible Matching that will occur) Make and save changes Note: If you select Very Important for a setting, we will not send you any Flexible Matches for that setting.
Emma
Question: Why am I getting matches outside of my current settings?
Answer: If you have received a match that is outside your current Match Settings, this is most likely a result of our Flexible Matching settings which can be adjusted from within your account at any time.With Flexible Matching, we temporarily relax the Match Selection criteria which you indicated are least important to you. This often allows us to find you more matches, and so from time to time, if no matches can be found for you, we will employ Flexible Matching. You can tell if we've found a match for you using Flexible Matching because there will be a "About Flexible Matching" link at the top of the Match Details page for the match. We encourage you to communicate with all of your matches, including those that may be outside your comfort zone as you never know who that special someone may be.
If you do not wish to receive Flexible Matches, or would like to adjust the Flexible Matches you are recieving:Log into your eHarmony account Go to My Settings, Match Settings Scroll to the bottom of the page to find "Match Flexibility" Select "Edit Preferences" Adjust your settings to reflect how important each aspect is to you (the more important you tell us a setting is, the less Flexible Matching that will occur) Make and save changes Note: If you select Very Important for a setting, we will not send you any Flexible Matches for that setting.
Emma
Cyber Machete
Fanny actually left me a message earlier (I forgot and left my phone in the other room), saying she wanted me to call her back to talk about the matches. It's now a team effort.
As for this next round of matches, I didn't pour over every little thing they wrote. If they said more than one thing that annoyed me, and they weren't cute, I axed them!
Out of today's matches that were brought up, here's what I thought.
David - No
Rob - Probably not
Phil - No
Jon - Probably not, but that pic of his baby is precious (well, the baby is precious)
Brent - Not sure
Hank - His profile reminds me of your Dad
Dan - Can't write very well
It really is very annoying that they keep sending you guys so far out of your age range. I'll look for a 'help' topic on that. I'm surprised that so many guys on your original list (before I started whacking away with my cyber-machete) have kids. I wouldn't think you'd want to deal with the hassle, though I know you're great with kids. I hate when they don't include a picture. I mean, you have to deduce that either:
A) they are too hideous to be captured on film,
B) they are one of those ridiculous people who think that physical attraction pales in comparison to intellectual attraction, or
C) they can't figure out how to load a picture.
None of these scenarios are appealing when it comes to selecting someone you might want to interact with. The search goes on!
Emma
As for this next round of matches, I didn't pour over every little thing they wrote. If they said more than one thing that annoyed me, and they weren't cute, I axed them!
Out of today's matches that were brought up, here's what I thought.
David - No
Rob - Probably not
Phil - No
Jon - Probably not, but that pic of his baby is precious (well, the baby is precious)
Brent - Not sure
Hank - His profile reminds me of your Dad
Dan - Can't write very well
It really is very annoying that they keep sending you guys so far out of your age range. I'll look for a 'help' topic on that. I'm surprised that so many guys on your original list (before I started whacking away with my cyber-machete) have kids. I wouldn't think you'd want to deal with the hassle, though I know you're great with kids. I hate when they don't include a picture. I mean, you have to deduce that either:
A) they are too hideous to be captured on film,
B) they are one of those ridiculous people who think that physical attraction pales in comparison to intellectual attraction, or
C) they can't figure out how to load a picture.
None of these scenarios are appealing when it comes to selecting someone you might want to interact with. The search goes on!
Emma
Team matchmaker
Okay, my sister (we'll call her Fanny) wants in on the game. She's just a little bit concerned that you're deleting guys and pulling the puppet strings without my (and her) go-ahead. I told her that you have exclusive delete and management authority while she may operate as general voyeur and sap-O-meter.
Is that how you spell Masterbator? I thought there was a 'u' in there. Masturbator, like diSTURBing. I like the capital M though. :) Fanny is really into this. She has sent me 19 emails today commenting on various people. Her emails are sappy and romatic and I'm so glad I could provide this wonderful experience for her...
Case in point (violin music playing, or maybe Puccini):
"I don't think you're a good match, but I love what Thom said about his grandfather.
My grandfather would be the most influential person in my life. Integrity, Integrity, Integrity. A model southern gentleman, loving but strong, outstanding in character. He loved my grandmother and ALWAYS treated her as such. I can only hope to be as much of a wonderful man that he was. I miss him dearly.
Damn but that makes me want to cry. I'm in an emotional time of the month if you know what I mean. I don't know what "legal" as his profession means. As opposed to illegal? Is he a secretary? What?
I've picked several people I guess for you to go on dates with. Scott, Jim, The Johns, Andrew, TC And I can see what you see in Lewis.
Out of those, I wonder how many you would actually like. If any. But it would be an adventure at the very least. -- Fanny"
Is that how you spell Masterbator? I thought there was a 'u' in there. Masturbator, like diSTURBing. I like the capital M though. :) Fanny is really into this. She has sent me 19 emails today commenting on various people. Her emails are sappy and romatic and I'm so glad I could provide this wonderful experience for her...
Case in point (violin music playing, or maybe Puccini):
"I don't think you're a good match, but I love what Thom said about his grandfather.
My grandfather would be the most influential person in my life. Integrity, Integrity, Integrity. A model southern gentleman, loving but strong, outstanding in character. He loved my grandmother and ALWAYS treated her as such. I can only hope to be as much of a wonderful man that he was. I miss him dearly.
Damn but that makes me want to cry. I'm in an emotional time of the month if you know what I mean. I don't know what "legal" as his profession means. As opposed to illegal? Is he a secretary? What?
I've picked several people I guess for you to go on dates with. Scott, Jim, The Johns, Andrew, TC And I can see what you see in Lewis.
Out of those, I wonder how many you would actually like. If any. But it would be an adventure at the very least. -- Fanny"
Chronic Masturbator and Pervert
I'm pretty sure you can still look at the guys- they are on the 'closed' list. And I didn't check the communicating list, so sorry if I deleted anyone, but they should still be on the list of your communicating partners, and they can 'appeal' your close and you can let them back on if you choose. Sorry if I screwed anything up! Tons of the guys I deleted were old, so I figured it was pretty safe.
Maybe the 'jkl;' guy should change his occupation to 'Chronic Masterbator and Pervert'.
Emma
Maybe the 'jkl;' guy should change his occupation to 'Chronic Masterbator and Pervert'.
Emma
Squeak, squeak
I'm doing that weird squeaky high pitched giggling thing you do when you're trying not to laugh too loudly at work. Nothing here in the office is that funny, so they'd know I wasn't working if they heard me. Those closing statements are classic.
My sister's gonna be pissed you deleted all those guys because she wanted to look at them. Can you still look at them somewhere in the "delete" universe? Did you look at the guys I was "communicating with"? Go to the "My Matches" and then the middle tab -- "Communicating," I think.
Oh, and by the way, I thought "jklk jkljkl jk" meant he liked to jack off and was probably doing so while looking at eHarmony matches...
Harriet
My sister's gonna be pissed you deleted all those guys because she wanted to look at them. Can you still look at them somewhere in the "delete" universe? Did you look at the guys I was "communicating with"? Go to the "My Matches" and then the middle tab -- "Communicating," I think.
Oh, and by the way, I thought "jklk jkljkl jk" meant he liked to jack off and was probably doing so while looking at eHarmony matches...
Harriet
Axe them -- axe them all!
Ok, the match list is down from one hundred and whatever to just 13. A few don't look too bad, but I didn't read all the questions and stuff- just profiles and pictures (yeah, I'm shallow, too!). I did leave a handful that weren't the most attractive guys on the block if I thought their personalities made them seem cuter. And, of course, I had to leave those guys on my list (though now you have to throw out the page numbers) so that you could look at them after my witty remarks.
I pulled a few gems out of the process just to let you know what you are missing.
Occupation: "Genral Manger" (He may need to move to Bethlehem and wait for the second coming.) What do you do in your leisure time?
"jkl; jk;llkj;l" (Evidently, he likes to practice typing with his right hand from the home position on the keyboard) "working out reading" (Now, does that mean working out AND reading, or struggling through the complexities of how to read?)
"painting photography" (Ahh, photography- it's so hard to catch on oil and canvas...)
What are you most passionate about? "Nothing." (Enough said.)
And one of my favorites came from a man named Tzui, who said he doesn't read books, because "many years of collage .... spoiled reading for me." You'd think those many years of college would have yielded the proper spelling of 'college.' He followed that by saying in the 'Things you should know about me' section that he always knows how to act in situations and "never get(s) embraced." Now, I don't know if that's because he's foreign, doesn't like to shower often, and has an offensive body odor or what, but in any case, it doesn't sound good.
Having gone through all of those less-than-desirable dudes and 'close match' pages, and listing 'other' as the reason every time, I have compiled a list of closing statements that I think it is imperative for eHarmony to add ASAP. They are as follows:
- There is a slight possibility that you are gay
- I believe you are gay
- Give me a break, Mary- you are GAY. You know it. I know it.
- You come across as an ignorant lame-o.
- I believe you may be incredibly stupid.
- We both know you're older than you've stated on your bio.
- You've displayed a blatant over-use of exclamation points in the short time I've known you, and for that you must be punished.
- You look like a psycho killer in your picture, and I don't want to die.
You should scroll through the short list that's left and 'close match' on anybody you see absolutely no point in contacting further. That way, you'll only have to look at brand new deadbeats and rejects. ;-)
Emma
Yes (sigh) I know exactly what you mean about all the comments I COULD say, but don't have time for. There really should be a "comments" section that allows everyone to mock each other without actually "communicating" with your matches.
Did you check out the guys I was communicating with? Hopefully you didn't delete them... As for that photo, I am like 22 in that photo and think it would be misleading:) Pierre the French pilot...hmmm. I don't know if I could date anyone named Pierre. And, wasn't he really into breakfast or something? Weird.
Thanks, babe!
Harriet
Did you check out the guys I was communicating with? Hopefully you didn't delete them... As for that photo, I am like 22 in that photo and think it would be misleading:) Pierre the French pilot...hmmm. I don't know if I could date anyone named Pierre. And, wasn't he really into breakfast or something? Weird.
Thanks, babe!
Harriet
Emma's comments
So I just got a chance to finally sneak a peek at your eHarmony, and I must say I was ROLLING! So many douchebags, so little time to make fun of them...
A few guys didn't seem so bad, though definitely nobody perfect. On page 2, I thought "Pierre" the french pilot looked very foreign, which can be interesting. If he's not foreign, his grasp of the english language blows.
Also on 2, "River," although full of himself, is someone I would LOVE to hear about you going out and matching wits with, then taking him down a peg. Obviously intelligent, but people that are super into their own bodies are not for me.
Nick (38) on page 3 seemed like a real man's man and reminded me a teeny bit of your friend Mike for some reason. Not real cute, but not ugly. Or maybe I just spend too much time around older firefighters now and that whole look is starting to feel like my new 'normal'...
Also on 3, Dudley, although admittedly a bit chipmunky in looks, looks good on paper. His first picture was ok, but the other two were....umm...less so.
Ethan on page 4 is hilarious. He totally has the kind of sense of humor that my circle of friends shares. I don't know how he expects any girl to contact him, though, when his profile pic shows a girl biting his ear. I'm sure he thought it was funny, but when you're just glancing through, it couldn't be more of a turnoff for a dating site.
As far as your own profile is concerned, I thought it was funny. I loved the 'wish they would notice' section and giggled out loud.
I literally guffawed when I read this one guy's bio in your newer matches, thought "Not bad", then scrolled down to see he'd used the word 'enjoy' about 6 times in the first two sections alone! I know you hate that word "enjoy." I could just see your face in my mind screwing up into a look of horror and disgust.
It has all been very amusing. Tell me how to delete people and I'll start backtracking through all the old ones. I quite often have time on my hands to kill. I liked the pictures of you. I'm sending you my favorite picture of you out of the ones I have, but I doubt you'd want it on the site. I've just always really loved it. I'll let you know if anyone crops up that I think is passable. I don't know how you can consider it a beatdown with all the flat-out point-and-laugh material there is to look at- I had a blast!
Emma
A few guys didn't seem so bad, though definitely nobody perfect. On page 2, I thought "Pierre" the french pilot looked very foreign, which can be interesting. If he's not foreign, his grasp of the english language blows.
Also on 2, "River," although full of himself, is someone I would LOVE to hear about you going out and matching wits with, then taking him down a peg. Obviously intelligent, but people that are super into their own bodies are not for me.
Nick (38) on page 3 seemed like a real man's man and reminded me a teeny bit of your friend Mike for some reason. Not real cute, but not ugly. Or maybe I just spend too much time around older firefighters now and that whole look is starting to feel like my new 'normal'...
Also on 3, Dudley, although admittedly a bit chipmunky in looks, looks good on paper. His first picture was ok, but the other two were....umm...less so.
Ethan on page 4 is hilarious. He totally has the kind of sense of humor that my circle of friends shares. I don't know how he expects any girl to contact him, though, when his profile pic shows a girl biting his ear. I'm sure he thought it was funny, but when you're just glancing through, it couldn't be more of a turnoff for a dating site.
As far as your own profile is concerned, I thought it was funny. I loved the 'wish they would notice' section and giggled out loud.
I literally guffawed when I read this one guy's bio in your newer matches, thought "Not bad", then scrolled down to see he'd used the word 'enjoy' about 6 times in the first two sections alone! I know you hate that word "enjoy." I could just see your face in my mind screwing up into a look of horror and disgust.
It has all been very amusing. Tell me how to delete people and I'll start backtracking through all the old ones. I quite often have time on my hands to kill. I liked the pictures of you. I'm sending you my favorite picture of you out of the ones I have, but I doubt you'd want it on the site. I've just always really loved it. I'll let you know if anyone crops up that I think is passable. I don't know how you can consider it a beatdown with all the flat-out point-and-laugh material there is to look at- I had a blast!
Emma
The odyssey begins
Just signed up for my eHarm account. That's what they should call it. Holy cow, there's a lot to manage. So, Emma, when you look at my match page -- look at my answers and tell me if I sound like a crazy person. Tell me what photos I should ditch. I have no cute photos of myself. I'm open to suggestions. I feel like an idiot when I write that stuff. Also, "Jim" apparently sent me a communication. Check him out and see what he's like... Hope you have more fun than me!
Harriet
Harriet
Introduction
First, a little 4-1-1 on the Bloggers:
"Emma," matchmaker and married nightowl with just a little too much time on her hands at 3:00 a.m. To fill the time, she is managing her dear friend Harriet's eHarmony dating site. She reviews the matches, axes the unworthy (or leaves them open so we can mock them unmercifully), and make recommendations. She is a cross between Confucious and RuPaul.
"Harriet," a 30-something, career-driven, never-been-married, reluctant eHarmony ingenue who has gratefully agreed to let Emma rule the dating roost. Her eHarmony profile shows that she is a lawyer, 5'4", 117 lbs, active and outdoorsy, and prone to mocking the eHarmony multiple choice questions and stock answers.
Welcome to our world.
"Emma," matchmaker and married nightowl with just a little too much time on her hands at 3:00 a.m. To fill the time, she is managing her dear friend Harriet's eHarmony dating site. She reviews the matches, axes the unworthy (or leaves them open so we can mock them unmercifully), and make recommendations. She is a cross between Confucious and RuPaul.
"Harriet," a 30-something, career-driven, never-been-married, reluctant eHarmony ingenue who has gratefully agreed to let Emma rule the dating roost. Her eHarmony profile shows that she is a lawyer, 5'4", 117 lbs, active and outdoorsy, and prone to mocking the eHarmony multiple choice questions and stock answers.
Welcome to our world.
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